Home for the weekend to process the unimaginable

My grandmother was so very very sad. No grandparent should see their grandchild struck down in their prime. The thought of having to passively watch me go through this kills her as she is too elderly to be of active help apart from as my supporter and cheerleader. Little does she know how invaluable that role is. She showed her love by making me a christmas dinner a month before christmas. I could taste the love. She is my spirit person - I have never felt a deeper connection to anyone than I do my grandmother and I am absolutely cut from her cloth. We share the same views and since I've gotten sick I've become even more like her, ready to espouse the perils of buying a dog without thinking it through at the drop of a hat, monologue always ready and cantankerously pushing my weight around the hospital, just like my dear old Nanna, an ex glamorous HR exec for the original Harvey Norman who used to gad about in furs and pearls in her glorious post divorce years and now was just as noble in her robe and slippers.

This lunch was as delightful as a degustation to our weary souls. We were all joyous as if this wasn't all happening and it felt like bonus christmas. I was stoked. I pigged out on curried eggs around my bloaty stomach and delicious potato salad and was numb to all that I'd just heard.

My friends were in shock. Flowers poured in from friends family friends and the community and people displayed a kindness I had never known them to be capable of. The first time I had to tell someone was when I ran into an acquaintance my age in my home town where I grew up and she asked how I was. I shakily burst into tears as I admitted things weren't well and I had cancer. The poor girl must have been horrified at the outburst but I was on shaky new ground and I hadn't yet learnt to navigate it as I now can, putting others at ease with the perfect tone of lighthearted humour and calm.

My loyal dog knew something wasn't right. I'm numb here and reeling.

My close group of girlfriends was hit so personally. This wasn't happening to one of us it was happening to all of us. Their mothers grieved for me, having watched me grow up. A close friend I'd grown apart from sent stilted, well mannered condolences as is proper to do. Some people shied away. I can't blame them. When I was in high school a close friends brother died and my first brush with death scared me so much I fell back on ' I don't know what to say' and avoided her. I now know it doesn't matter what you say you just need to be there, but I have been in the shoes of someone who dealt badly with these situations and I am not the one to hold a grudge or condemn them for it. It does mean that they aren't now still in that golden place reserved for the 'ones that were there' of lifetime soul deep friends, but I also would never judge them. Most people went above and beyond, and for that I am forever grateful. For the most part I spent the weekend with family in quiet contemplation of the mountain I was to climb.