A sudden twist... the end has come

It is with a heavy heart that I write this post, as part of me doesn't want to accept that this is the end. After America I went back to work, was working on meds with my doctors and felt that I was doing great. I had one of the best weekends I'd had in a very long time with girlfriends and felt on top of the world. Then I started to vomit. Non stop every few hours after any food or liquids. It was horrible and I took some days off work to recover, adamant that I stay out of hospital. At day 3 I couldn't handle the pain so I called Dad ho whisked me t emergency. There I got straight through somehow and after a series of scans they identified a blockage in my intestines, but not likke the ones I'd had previously. This one was a mess of tangled intestine, scar tissue forming joins and the rock-textured cancer consuming a section of my bowel. They couldn't operate as I was too malnourished plus the likelihood of it working at all was too slim and I ran the risk of my final days being in a recovery bed in agony instead of with family, palliated. This was the moment that they told me it was a 'terminal incident' and both my professors had to look me in the eye and tell me I was going to die. I was left in a complete state of shock - now the vomiting was stabilised I felt fine, how could this be? As they transitioned me back onto solid food it became apparent that after each meal I would be sick, but I could live on the nutrients scrounged before it came up. This won't go on permanently and my prof's estimate is a few months. My personal goal is to make it to christmas.Before I knew it I had quit work, told loved ones and the endless onslaught of loving visitors began which was overwhelming but much loved. It is kind of bittersweet knowing what people around you think of you when you have to go, because hearing it just makes me want to stay and enjoy the friendships I have made.I look like a bit of a skeletor already and it frightens me, but it is part of the whole process.

I have a to d list of 'affairs to wrap up' pages long but I am slogging through. I hope that I will get to write another blog post and this one is way overdue. Little Ruby will be loved by my parents and spoiled all her days, and weekends by my nan. It feels good to know that I leave her in loving hands. I worry about what she will feel when I go, as it will look like I just disappeared to her. We love each other so much and I don't want her to be sad.My parents have rallied together to care for me and they are doing such an incredible job.Now I'm off to find some goofy photos to add to my funeral slideshow, so people can remember funny, silly me and not serious bed-bound me.