Bali then back to work — From DDs to Diagnosis

I had just gotten back from a holiday to Bali that I spontaneously crashed that a girlfriend had organised with her colleagues and had been in perfect health the whole trip. Bali was idyllic, I remember venturing out one day when all the girls were out on a gruelling mountain hike for food, and I jumped on the back of a passing motorbike cabs bike. I felt young, alive and a little reckless as we whizzed past the sights of Ubud to the pizza place, and it was great to steal a moment being a normal twenty something traveller. I had the most amazing escape from a life that was getting claustrophobic revolving around me and Dad bickering being in too close confines in my family home, recovery and my slow building breakup, as where once the sound of love and laughter in my other half filled my senses I was experiencing an eerie silence. I paddle boarded, jet skiied, banana boated, trekked and kept up with the girls the whole time. I never wanted to leave, but leave I must and this meant one thing - I was done recovering and I wanted to be back at work.

I was to go back 3 days a week and we would see how I fared. I was ecstatic. I loved my job and so much of my identity was wrapped up in being a designer. I had stumbled into my job 3 years earlier when i checked the wrong box on a Summer internship application form at consulting magnate, Deloitte. I thought I was applying for traditional IT consultancy, but had ticked the 'Digital' option instead of 'Technology', which would change my whole future and lead me to a career path far better suited to me than consultancy - I was a natural at being a user experience designer, with a creative mind and natural draw towards empathy and wanting to understand the psychology behind users. My career at Deloitte was stressful, but extremely rewarding and I'd just prior to getting sick changed jobs to relieve some stress and try designing in the ecommerce space for Atlassian, a hip Aussie startup. I loved my job there and I was dying to get back to producing work and feeling 'normal' again. My first few weeks were exhausting but rewarding as I dressed up in my finest clothes after months of pyjamas and tracksuits with a full face of makeup and a smile. It became apparent that commuting was not going to work out for me so I desperately looked for a share house in sydney and found my current housemate who was looking for someone to move in with her and her dog, Sonny. It was a perfect match for me and Ruby as Sonny was even the same breed. Moving to Sydney was the best choice I could have made. Yes, living with my parents and being fed and having my laundry done would be easier, but I had always been fiercely independent and living in my childhood bedroom and away from the city would have suffocated me. I want to live in the city as long as my health allows and I have no guarantees as to how long that will be. I can't always work a full 3 day week and sometimes I work from home or leave early. But it has been so rewarding and I love every day I am there. My soul feels empty without my job and feeling needed in some way and that's when the mental doubt creeps in. I need to be needed it turns out. I have achieved more than I dreamed a year ago in the year I've been back and am so grateful to my managers and company for taking such great care of me and looking out for me. They have a corporate uber account linked to mine for quick escapes if I'm unwell, provide breakfast and lunch daily plus snacks and set me up with a comfy lounge to work from and some home comforts like pillows and herbal teas. Yep, they are that good to me. I have so much pride and respect for how they have handled my illness and other employees' illnesses in the company. It makes me want to do my best work every day.