DD gets debulking surgery

I have never been more scared for anything as I was for my big surgery and knowing all that I know afterwards I was barely scared enough. The intent was to go in and 'debulk' my cancer, pulling it all out and leaving no visible lesions. I had had an agonising stomach fluid drain of a cancerous fluid called ascites and 4 rounds of chemo to shrink the cancer to remove and it was time for the big surgery that would remove all of my reproductive organs, a layer of fat called the omentum on the front of the stomach (I had no fat to give!) and would leave me with my stomach muscles cut in half and a ton of rehab ahead. All of my core strength would be lost and I'd have to start over, with a big nasty scar and a harsh heavy lifting ban. I tried to keep busy playing golf, going to the beach and enjoying the last days in my beautiful Surry Hills unit before I could never brave the stairs again after surgery before our lease ended. A close friend who was meant to spend the day with me the day before my surgery wedged me in between other friends, not understanding what I needed and how afraid I was and we had a row. How could anyone know how big this surgery was and how nervous I was. It was a misunderstanding that skyrocketed my stress, but luckily my dad ended up taking me to golf the day before and I was grateful for the distraction and my last time doing something I loved for some time before a scar stopped me. The day of the surgery was a blur from the anti anxiety drugs. The last thing I saw before going under was a baby that was left in the hallway of the hospital crying. I found it ironic that that was my last sensation as I was about to lose my fertility forever. We hoped they would be able to salvage some eggs to freeze, but it wasn't to be. The cancer had already destroyed every inch of my reproductive organs.

Me at my lowest after surgery

I woke up and felt high. I was giggling and singing and felt silly. This then faded and I felt like I had been hit by a truck. I was in group critical care and a woman in a nearby bed had visitors all day and all night sitting p talking loudly in greek at a table in the middle of the room. I sobbed and begged the nurses to enforce the visitor hours so I could get some much needed sleep and relief from pain. The lady ignored their requests and the final indignity was her guests pulling my curtain back when looking for her. I felt so vulnerable and I had strangers peering in at my alien little body. They moved me to a private room after I complained enough so my whingeing paid off. Sleep would be vital in the coming days. I learnt that surgery hadn't gone to plan. It had run hours over so I was tacycardic which meant my heart was racing. I laid in bed terrified listening to my heartbeat like a galloping horse scared that I would die. They couldn't get all the cancer so I was left with lots of tumours still in my body. I wept, I despaired. Things seemed dark. They make you get up and walk straight away and all the fluid had pooled in my back so I felt like a big wobbly egg on legs. I couldn't even walk down the hall at first. Each day they hauled me up and made me do the agonising walk as my fluid drained and I regained health. The hated nose drip came out I could eat and I came to dread the daily anti blood clotting needle with a panicked fear. After ten days I was stir crazy from the stale hospital air and mind numbing green walls, begging to go home and they let me finish my healing at my parents home. There the walks were to the cafe on the corner, a healthy challenge for my recovery. I was strangely in good spirits at this point, looking forward to my future and not overly grieving my loss of fertility where I thought I would live in blackness and despair. I bought a car so that I could have some freedom and mobility and not rely on my fast disappearing boyfriend for transport. I was on the up! I was about to start a clinical trial of a drug called Arimidex which was a hormone blocking drug which should mean a great quality of life if it worked free of chemo, and I would keep my hair!